Holy shit, it’s actually happening! There are flesh-eating cannibals stumbling around the once-calm streets outside your house, the sky is a hazy greenish grey, and somewhere down the street you hear police sirens wailing above the chaotic shouting. The Zombie Apocalypse is actually. fucking. happening. You sit contemplatively on the side of the bathtub in your upstairs bathroom, wondering if nail polish remover is flammable enough to make a good molotov cocktail and pulling bits of wood out of your hair (you’ve just destroyed the staircase, rendering the 2nd floor of your home zombie-proof for the time being). …Now what?
Exactly. What ARE your chances? What would you do? Let’s assume you know the basics:
-Remove the head or destroy the brain
-Don’t get bitten
-Don’t allow infected people to come into your safehold or join your survivalist sewing circle
-Guns are good ONLY if you know how to use one
-Blades never run out of ammo
-Zombies don’t climb well
What you need next is some badass survival gear. …And OBviously food, water, and…
Now there’s an idea. The tent-in-a-shopping cart is all the rage for those survivalists and thrill-seekers who want to “live small” and be mobile.
Designed by artist Kevin Cyr, this odd little contraption could keep the rain off your head if you happen to be on the road by yourself. However, I don’t see it being useful anywhere outside of an urban or suburban setting. The screech and rattle of a shopping cart could be the equivalent of ice cream-van music to zombies. And God forbid if you get the one with a squeaky wheel!
If you’d rather not push your home from place to place like a meal on wheels, there’s always this sweet post-apocalyptic ride!
Designed by Aristide Antonas, this tricked-out truck is ideal for the open road. Even in heavily infested zombie zones, it would offer relative protection. The entrance hatch on top is too high for ghouls to reach, and the landing attached to the ladder makes for an excellent vantage point when gunning those flesheaters down! Of course, you could always just run them over…until you run out of gas.
Once you find that magical, definsible castle on a cliff, underground fortress, or whatever place you decide to make into your post-Zompocalyptic home, you’ll need a suitable vehicle. You know, for grocery shopping and whatnot. Get from A to B in zombie-killin’ style, with this absolute BEAST of a car.
This photo was snapped in Kansas. The veritable tank on wheels? It’s actually a pimped out storm chasing vehicle, complete with steel plating, bullet-proof windows, and a rotating top (I assume to help capture better storm footage) that practically begs to have a machine gun attached to it. BRING IT ON!
Probably the most important equipment you’ll carry throughout the Zompocalypse, you are only as deadly as the weapon you wield. So make it a good one. Guns are useful, certainly, but I’m more of a blades girl myself. There’s nothing sweeter than the sound of razor-sharp metal slicing through a zombie’s frontal lobe. And the makers of Zombietools.net appreciate that sound just as much as I do.
These are real guys from Missoula, Montana making top grade zombie-killing weaponry. They’ve clearly put a lot of thought into each and every weapon that they sell. Here are 2 of my personal favorites, complete with the website’s descriptions.
The Para Bellum
“This girl is the fastest and lightest ZT blade yet. Designed to be strapped to the thigh, it is a blade that can be worn at all times and still be comfortable. A recent visitor to the shop nailed it when he said it was long enough to keep bitches* at a distance and light enough to never slow you down. 18 inches overall, 12 inches of blade length and sharp enough to shave your mom. Deadly when used in pairs or as an effective offhand blade to back up a sidearm, the Para Bellum is ideal.”
“When vastly outnumbered by your enemies, every student of the art of war knows that speed, stealth, and smarts are all you’ve got. For the runnin’ and gunnin’ warrior who knows how to choose his battles and vigilantly maintain a corridor of retreat, ZT introduces the Apokatana, our take on the tactical katana. With a cutting edge of 26 inches, the Apokatana has the traditional dimensions of the time-tested Japanese blade, but with a touch more beef in the spine for durability and increased cutting momentum. The handle is double-wrapped in 550 paracord for a comfortable grip while keeping down the weight and maintaining the balance of the blade. When the Kydex sheath is strapped to your tactical vest or bag, the Apokatana’s 2.75lbs will allow you to get in, cut down, and bug the hell out when Zak’s numbers turn against you.”
So as you’re sitting in your boarded-up home, glancing through a second-floor window at the undead gathering around, remember to be prepared. Have some gear ready, some weapons, and a plan!
Photo credits: squidoo| cheekmagazine.wordpress.com| jalopnik.com | blog.makezine.com | zombietools.net